Perfectionism and Control — How to Loosen the Grip

Do you ever feel like no matter how much you do, it’s never quite enough?
Or that if you’re not in control, everything might fall apart?

Perfectionism and the need for control are common — especially for people who are high-achieving, sensitive, or simply trying their best to manage life’s challenges. But beneath the surface, these patterns can lead to stress, burnout, self-doubt, and feeling disconnected from what truly matters.

Let’s explore what often drives perfectionism and control, and how you can begin to loosen the grip — with compassion, not judgment.

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What’s Underneath Perfectionism and Control?

Many people think perfectionism is just about having high standards, or that wanting control means you’re “bossy” or “rigid.” But often, these patterns are protective strategies — ways our minds try to keep us safe from discomfort, uncertainty, or fear.

Some common drivers include:

• Fear of failure or judgment
• A belief that self-worth is tied to achievement
• Early experiences where control brought safety or stability
• Anxiety about the unknown or unpredictable
• A sense of responsibility for others’ emotions or outcomes

Perfectionism and control often develop because, at some point, they worked — they helped you cope. But over time, they can become rigid, exhausting, and limiting.

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Signs You Might Be Stuck in These Patterns:

• Difficulty starting or finishing tasks unless they feel “perfect”
• Avoiding risks or new challenges for fear of getting it wrong
• Constantly replaying mistakes or overthinking decisions
• Feeling anxious or irritable when things feel uncertain or messy
• A harsh inner critic that says “you should be doing more”

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How to Start Loosening the Grip

You don’t have to “fix” perfectionism or control overnight.
In fact, trying to perfect letting go of perfectionism is… a trap.

Instead, the shift begins with awareness, self-compassion, and small steps toward flexibility and trust.

1. Notice the Protective Intention

When perfectionism or control shows up, pause and ask:

“What is this part of me trying to protect me from?”

Often, it’s fear, vulnerability, or uncertainty. Recognising the intention behind the behaviour helps you respond with curiosity instead of criticism.

2. Practice Self-Compassion, Not Criticism

Perfectionism thrives on the belief that being hard on yourself motivates change — but research shows self-compassion is far more effective for growth and resilience.

Try speaking to yourself the way you would to a friend. Progress, not perfection, is the goal.

3. Let Go of “All or Nothing” Thinking

Notice if you’re stuck in black-and-white thinking: “If I can’t do it perfectly, it’s not worth doing.”

Instead, experiment with “good enough”. Taking small, imperfect action builds confidence and challenges the belief that perfection is the only option.

4. Define Success by Your Values, Not Just Outcomes

What truly matters to you — beyond achievements or appearances?
Living in alignment with your values helps shift focus from control and results to meaning and intention.

This is a core practice in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which I often use in sessions to help clients move from rigid expectations to flexible, values-driven action.